Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
