I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm like, not good at living.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
