elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
