Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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