I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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