I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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