I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
