Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
