I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
