no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My vagina just recognized that song.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
