so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
