just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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