wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize