What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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