if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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