you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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