I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I don't deserve a penis
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
