My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
