i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
