She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
