If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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