I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
