I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
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