batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
