And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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