considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Randomize
