If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
