No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
