How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
