i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
