Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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