I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
