Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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