omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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