Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
