my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
