I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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