Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
