JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
