I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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