I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize