did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize