I feel like I'm in dance class right now
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
