I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
