Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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