Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
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I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
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Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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