the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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