Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
