i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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