batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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