Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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