Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
