so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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