you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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