upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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