You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
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I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
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I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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