i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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