Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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