These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
